


The Roast of Vriska Serket

by ThumbnailsAndTentacles



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Implied Relationships, Typing Quirks, davekat and rosemary in the background, implied vriska/terezi, roast, vriska tells some really mean jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-13
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-17 03:33:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9302369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThumbnailsAndTentacles/pseuds/ThumbnailsAndTentacles
Summary: Now that the bad guys are defeated, the new universe is completed, and the game is finally done, the main cast needs something to do with their time. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the roast of everyone's favorite spider-themed pirate sociopath!





	

Once you’ve created a new universe where do you go from there?  



The whole thing had been Terezi’s idea. A sort of memorial service for the one of them they hadn’t been able to bring back. A funeral without the gloom, in a way. Voyages into the depths of the Furthest Ring had occupied the better part of two years, but they’d managed to recover almost everyone they’d lost - Feferi first, then Nepeta, and Equius (only when Nepeta insisted), and even Eridan, although that had been an awkward couple of months. Two years later, and she was still the only one to elude them.  
Terezi had been planning the event with the intent to move on. She hadn’t expected to actually find Vriska out there.  



That only made the Roast itself even sweeter.  



A loose semicircle of trolls, humans, and carapacians sat before the stage. The community amphitheater had been one of the Mayor’s favorite projects, and they were putting it to good use. A titter ran through the audience as a troll in dark glasses took the podium, sweating profusely under the hot lights.  



“100k,” he growled into the mic. “You may say what you like about Vriska. But she is a STRONG motivator.” He paused, frowning, for comedic effect. “In fact, when she speaks, I STRONGly desire to leave the room.”  



The crowd hooted. It wasn’t that great a joke, but Equius wasn’t the one they were watching. Across the stage, as though alone on a pedestal of shame, a troll girl with a robot arm in bright orange fairy pajamas sat in a folding chair under a spotlight, tight-lipped and glaring at them all through a cybernetic eye.  



Terezi sat back in the crowd and watched her moirail fume. So far, she’d lasted through fifty minutes and ten trolls without much more than a pissed-off glare. Once upon a time, Terezi would have been worried about Vriska’s retaliation. Now, though, she decided this was more than just desserts for the years of psychological torment she’d inflicted upon them all. _1 h4d to st4b h3 1n the b4ck onc3. Sh3 c4n suff3r through 4 l1ttl3 h4rml3ss 3nt3rt41nment. H3h3h3…_  



“uHH, vRISKA, nOT TO BE RUDE, oR ANYTHING, bUT, wHEN I TOLD YOU I COULDN’T STAND YOU, i DIDN’T THINK YOU’D, tAKE IT SO LITERALLY.” Tavros grinned weakly as the crowd clapped. “iS THAT OKAY? wAS THAT TOO MEAN?”  



The event was definitely winding down for the evening. Tavros was not bad, but definitely not the trolls’ A-game - Dave had worked Vriska over so thoroughly that Terezi had expected her to go for his throat, and they’d practically had to tug the mic out of Karkat’s hands to get him to stop.  



“Hey, Vwiskers! I just wanted to say that I’m a literal catgirl - and even I think that-” Nepeta blushed furiously, already committed to the punchline. She lowered her voice self-consciously. “-that you’re a pussy.”  



The crowd loved that. Nepeta ducked her head meekly behind the podium as cheering and whistling erupted through the crowd, even as a loud and sweaty voice near the front cried out, “NEPETA! LANGUAGE!” in tones of offense. That was probably a good place to call it. Terezi stood up and clapped her hands loudly.  



“4lr1ght, 3v3rybody! Th4nk you, N3p3ta.” Another smattering of applause. “1 th1nk sh3’s suff3r3d 3nough for h3r cr1m3s - h3h3h3 - so th4nk you 4ll for com1ng...”  



“Excuse me?” Vriska stood up from her chair, prompting Nepeta to make a hissing noise and scamper back into the crowd. “Terezi, I think you’re forgetting someone?”  



Terezi snorted. “You don’t g3t to ro4st yours3lf, Vr1sk4.”  



“Who said anything a8out myself?” There was a grin that Terezi knew far too well playing across Vriska’s lips. “I 8elieve the the rules of the roast say that I get a chance to retali8 at the end?”  



A collective “oh snap” went through the crowd. “Yeah,” Dave announced, “as much as I hate to admit it, she’s right.”  



“And you’re probably going to hate admitting it even more in a moment,” Rose added from underneath Kanaya’s arm, looking as though she was regretting thoroughly psychoanalyzing Vriska half an hour ago.  



“Yeah, fair’s fair, Terezi,” said John. “Let her tell her jokes too.”  



Everything in Terezi’s experience told her this was a bad idea. Then again, everything in her experience also told her that denying Vriska what she wanted never ended well either. “F1n3,” she announced, rolling her eyes, “Vr1ska... th3 floor 1s yours.”  



Smiling like a crocodile, Vriska positioned herself behind the podium. Her eyes, real and electronic, roamed the audience, searching for a suitable victim. The crowd tensed in anticipation as she cleared her throat.  



“So first off, I just want to s8y: is that all you got?” Vriska grinned toothily. “That was the weakest shit I’ve ever seen, and I ran Tavros’ session! You all tell jokes like Eridan trying to get a d8!”  



That got a pretty good laugh out of them - all except for Eridan of course, who huffed and threw his cape back over her shoulder. Vriska adopted a look of faux sympathy. “Seriously, though, Eridan, I just wanted to s8y sorry for what happened to you. I wish I’d 8een there for you when Kanaya fucked you up. I’ve 8een out of purple n8il polish for ages!!!!!!!!!” She gave him a good look at the nail polish on her middle finger while all his friends hooted.  



“Speaking of Kanaya, shout-out to her and Rose for managing to 8e the g8yest thing to ever happen to Homestuck. And that’s coming from the girl dressed as a literal fairy.” Even Kanaya seemed amused by that one. “And hey: how come John gets to be the Heir of 8reath if Rose is the one who never shuts up?”  



Terezi chuckled along with everyone else and allowed herself to relax a little. _S33? You m1sjudg3d h3r. M4yb3 sh3’s not 4s much of 4 hug3 b1tch th1s t1me around._  



Vriska cracked her knuckles as she got into her stride. “All these classes are too complic8ted. So if John’s the Heir of 8reath cause he can do the windy thing, and Dave’s the Knight of Time cause he can time-travel, does that mean that Karkat’s the Knight of 8lood cause he’s always on his period?”  



Now that one the crowd loved. Grinning ear to ear, she took a slight bow as the crowd applauded her. Karkat flipped her the bird. “WOW, REAL FUCKING ORIGINAL, VRISKA.”  



“Oh, shut up, Karkat. You know, you and Dave totally stole your whole coolkid-and-short-angry-sidekick routine from me and Terezi. The only difference is, you two don’t feel bad about imp8ling each other!” She added a pelvic thrust to demonstrate as the crowd roared. Even Dave was laughing as he struggled to hold Karkat in his seat.  



“Don’t think I forgot you, Terezi!” Like a drawn sword, Vriska’s finger stabbed into the crowd, singling her out. The whole crowed oohed their anticipation. Terezi even found herself leaning forward in anticipation, eager to get her share.  



“Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re all thinking: everyone wants to see me and Terezi kissing.” Judging by the audience’s reaction, that was precisely what was on a lot of their minds. “8ut I think you’re ignoring the real OTP in this story: Nepeta getting screwed 8y canon!”  



They were still laughing, but it had a nervous edge this time. Terezi could see John’s face, and it was pretty clear he thought that was low. Nepeta curled up in her seat, even as her moirail began to stand up angrily. Terezi got ready to intervene if Equius actually tried anything - Vriska was far enough below him on the hemospectrum to be punchable, and the way Vriska’s karma stood, Terezi was certain that the universe would be willing to write off a bad papercut as a just death, to say nothing of what one of Equius’ fists would do to her.  



“Oh, and her meowsprit is here too. Hey, as long as we’re 8uilding a new universe, someone should m8ke Equius a McDonald’s, so he can get off on 8eing ordered around by str8ngers all d8y!” She grinned down at him from the podium, daring him to knock her head clean off. “Hey Equius, I always wondered: what the fuck is up with your _mouth?_ Jegus, your teeth are a8out as str8 and normal as our storyline! You look like Andrew Hussie was your dentist! Even Jake’s teeth aren’t that fucked up, and his last n8me is literally _English._ ”  



Equius was still fuming, but he sat back down. The audience were laughing normally again; jokes about Equius were definitely safer ground. “Oh yeah! I almost forgot about the 8eta kids! Let’s see, we’ve got Jake - Roxy, the human version of an LMFAO song-” Roxy tipped back her drink and did a little curtsy to applause “-the boy who’s just Dave with different glasses - and of course Jane, the girl who makes Eridan look d8able!”  



Ignoring the dirty looks Jane was shooting in her general direction, Vriska scanned over the crowd. “Who else - oh, yeah, Feferi! I completely forgot you existed. Wouldn’t 8e the first time that’s happened. And Sollux, of course. You all know Sollux’s deal is that he has two of everything - two 8rains, two different eyes, two girlfriends after I made him kill one of them!” She cackled. “Guess the only thing Sollux doesn’t have is a second act where he matters!”  



Now Vriska was the only one laughing. Aradia didn’t seem all that bothered - as much as she ever seemed bothered by anything - but Sollux was steaming in the seat next to her. “Oh, and Aradia! I always said that I did her a favor by killing her off - like there was any other way anyone was gonna t8ke a ghost-frog-zombie-robot-archaeologist seriously!”  



This was not as much fun now. The kids in particular looked ready for this to be over. Even Dave, who no one could accuse of being humorless, was trying to get her attention. Terezi waved him down.  



“My 8iggest regret is that Gamzee couldn’t 8e here tonight.” She swiveled around back to Terezi. “Hey, TZ! What’s worse: getting emotionally compromised for the troll who murdered Nepeta with his 8are hands - or knowing that you fucked a guy who likes Insane Clown Posse?”  



She marched out in front of the podium and held the mic aloft. “Oh - and this is for all of you who thought you could start your own universe without me after I s8ved all your asses from Lord English!” She let them have a good look at her middle finger. “Suck it, 8itches! There’s more where that came from!”  



The mic hit the ground with a squeal of feedback. Vriska hunched her shoulders and marched off the stage, leaving them all standing there uncertainly. The kids and trolls exchanged nervous looks, no one daring to breathe until they were certain she was out of earshot.  



“Let’s never do that again,” Dave finally suggested.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this up in like 30 minutes so cut me some slack.


End file.
